why not me?

so... ok... why not me, i dont have a 'why me' complex. i just dont understand, i know i have my faults in life and i KNOW i am not an innocent girl, but i HAVE done like 85% of this 'life' shit right. well i guess not really because i just dont got it like that...i have to pinch and due without and without for my daughter. i know i know...so does all of America, well im not talking about all of America. just me. just stoopid little me. the one that always has a pile of poo on my head.
i take bad news hard, my disability determination came in just now and i am having a very very hard time with this. my first thought was to tear up my arms with a razor, but what if dan gets a job then it will be my fault he loses his job to watch falyn (our daughter). then i thought how would i even begin to get a job now...i have no daycare and i can hardly function. i am sooo mad @ those people, they didnt look at anything recent...all old stuff. they never had me see one of their 'dr.s'. ugh!!
i dont want to be alone...falyn is sleeping and dan is job-hunting. so i called him to see when he would be back...he doesnt know. i dont want to call lori because i have been smoking pot and she will give me hell and that is the last thing i need to deal with right now!!
OMG my head is ready to pop...there is sooo much going on in there right now i dont know what to do with it all, even my fingers are getting twisted.
*haha funny i am calling lori now just to make sure she is not comming today...*
ugh i need to get up and clean...it's only fair right. dan is job-hunting = i should clean. but do you know how heavy my body feels right not...i want to laydown and cry myself to sleep...
...in fact i think im gonna...