Where the wild things are brings me back

reading under my blanket with a flash light pretending there were monsters under my bed

omg

well, its been a while i havent had internet for a while and my depression is insane (huh well yeah). my husband and i got into an argument over it last night. as hard as it is for me, it is hard for him too. i have no motivation to do ANYTHING...even sex, eat or getting fresh air.
now we are going to have a friend of mine staying with us for like a month...i dont know what to do....i want to help her but i dont have it in me right now to be 'helping' someone else, selfish huh. oh i dont know what to do....

3/11

so i told on myself today, i bought an exercise machine, can be used yes but WAY out of our finantial ability.
dan also made me get out today...we took our daughter to the park and had a sorta picnic. i protested all the way but found that i did enjoy watching my daughter at the park and walkin around with her.
i also admited that i have been feeling better and that in itself felt good, and hearing dan and lorrie (out of company) both tell me that i look happier, better.
i have slowly been getting around to getting in contact with my friends, it is still HARD and i wish i knew why. i really do miss my friends and would kill to see them...just not right now...not while i am sooo sick. really they wouldnt mind they know me, they have lived a bunch of this with me already, but i want to go and show happy and be happy.
i told my councelor that 'my depression has lifted just enough to let in worry' and whats fucked up ...that is good. its good because now at least i give a shit...before with just the deep dark depression alone i could care if the world crumbled in on itself...now if it does i can think of things i will grab to take to safety
l8r

just another day

so my husband finally brought down the desk as i had asked. i love my little area here in the corner. its kinda comforting to have a place and its all tight up.
i have been talking to some of my friends that i havent talked to in a long time, but i still cant bring myself to go outside. its such a pain in the ass really, sometimes i just jump and go before i think about it....but then bam i get freaked out, in the car...in the store.
bummed i have no money no desire to go outside adn no weed....arg
l8r

3/5

i am trying to write something everyday...dont always have anything to say. today i am having an issue cause i want some more weed...but i have no more money. i like it cause it makes me relax and feel comfortable, its life a buffer for all the shit goin on right now. i am feelin REALLY close to goin into the hospital again and that is the last thing i want.
i am watching my husband and daughter play and they are so in love with eachother its crazy. she is screaming with laughter and my husband even took off his glasses to play. they are sooo cute having such a great time together.
today is friday, i am trying to not get so 'excited' about things today (at least til monday). i cant help it though, its sooo hard, my head races with the bill, the rent, the car and insurance. i want to get her into school...
i am thinking very irresponsibly...
shit i just found out it is only thursday so now i am even of an asshole for my thoughts today...

another day

i have made it to another day. Lorrie (my caseworker) came over today...i told her i was having urges to hurt myself and would not admit to her that i was thinking of death also. i don't want to admit it to myself, i would like to believe i would never do anything with my daughter around...but its been vary hard this past 2 days.
i love to watch my daughter play...she is in her sand box now. its just a small wooden box with blue sand, seashells, fish and a turtle, and a mermaid! its really cool and she LOVES it. also we (my husband and i) got her 2 hamsters, she is calling them 'Beauty' and 'Beast'. Falyn is 3 and very well rounded. her imagination is crazy huge, but then she cant recognise her letters.
i'm gonna go watch 'Reading Rainbow' with her...l8r

why not me?

so... ok... why not me, i dont have a 'why me' complex. i just dont understand, i know i have my faults in life and i KNOW i am not an innocent girl, but i HAVE done like 85% of this 'life' shit right. well i guess not really because i just dont got it like that...i have to pinch and due without and without for my daughter. i know i know...so does all of America, well im not talking about all of America. just me. just stoopid little me. the one that always has a pile of poo on my head.
i take bad news hard, my disability determination came in just now and i am having a very very hard time with this. my first thought was to tear up my arms with a razor, but what if dan gets a job then it will be my fault he loses his job to watch falyn (our daughter). then i thought how would i even begin to get a job now...i have no daycare and i can hardly function. i am sooo mad @ those people, they didnt look at anything recent...all old stuff. they never had me see one of their 'dr.s'. ugh!!
i dont want to be alone...falyn is sleeping and dan is job-hunting. so i called him to see when he would be back...he doesnt know. i dont want to call lori because i have been smoking pot and she will give me hell and that is the last thing i need to deal with right now!!
OMG my head is ready to pop...there is sooo much going on in there right now i dont know what to do with it all, even my fingers are getting twisted.
*haha funny i am calling lori now just to make sure she is not comming today...*
ugh i need to get up and clean...it's only fair right. dan is job-hunting = i should clean. but do you know how heavy my body feels right not...i want to laydown and cry myself to sleep...
...in fact i think im gonna...

intro

this is my first entry, i will be short and vague. i have been married since 2001, what a ride. i also have a 3yr old daughter, she is also an awsome adventure. we have had some very hard times and are still strugiling. i also have a disabelity, i have ptd, bpd and bi-polar. it makes life pretty hard for all of us.

so there is a little about me...sure to be more.